Sam's Wit & Wisdom
A Sam Profile (some of my favorite stuff)
Favorite actor: Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman
Favorite actress: Meryl Streep
Favorite director: Stanley Kubrick
Favorite comedic actor: Jack Lemmon
Favorite cartoon character (warner bros): Foghorn Leghorn
Favorite cartoon character (hanna barbera): Barney Rubble
Favorite cartoonist: B. Kliban
Favorite comedian: George Carlin
Favorite coffee: Tasterís Choice
Favorite bandname: "Teenage Jesus and the Jerks"
Favorite comedienne: Carol Burnett
Favorite cheese: Colby
Favorite artist: Breughel
Favorite city: New York City
Favorite "James Bond" movie: From Russia with Love
Favorite ice-cream flavor: Pralines and Cream
Favorite "Green Acres" character: Mr Kimball
Favorite coal: bituminous
Favorite offensive band names:
This is something Iíve been working on, adding to, deleting on occasion(once in awhile something is even offensive to me!)over the past few years, inspired initially by some of the names of the alternative bands listed in the Village Voice.
All these names are, to the best of my knowledge, original. The asterisk denotes a band I actually played in. Happy reading..
The Thought Police
Guys Named Bill
The Bisexual Plumbers
Nick Leninís Bloc Party
Trailer Court Lovechild
The Laughing Academy
Da Nucular Guys
Wired for Discipline
Missing Body Parts
Bucket oí Brains
That Darn Cat
A Dance of Ugliness
Cyst Boom Bah
Dilemma at Dinner
Trail of Suds
Stoned Family Robinson
Phallus in Wonderland
Kinda young kinda wow
World Bean Tribe
The Thought Police
The Butt Factory
The Android Sisters
The Spineless Yes-men
Youth in Asia
Heat and Serve
The Flesh Tones
A Pleasant Sandwich
The Sniveling Wretches
Lesion of Doom
Kill or be Killed
Salesmen from Mars
The Salty Seamen
Peggyís Yeast Infection
The Groove Council
Guns ní Cirrhosis
Beige like Me
Fistful of Fun
Fat Chicks ní Cheese
Mexican Jumping Beings
The Impolite Ones
Wacs and Wayne
Beevis ní Butt-Plug
Shoes for Queers
my favorite musician joke!
A man walks into the Village Vanguard one afternoon, finds the club owner (whoís heard EVERYBODY) sitting at the bar, and walks right up to him.
"Iím the best fuckiní piano player you ever heard", he tells the club owner, "and Iím here for a job".
The owner resists the urge to just throw his ass out (or perhaps offer him employment washing dishes), figures Ďwhatíve I got to loseí."Okay pal, youíve got 5 minutes", he tells the guy. "Dazzle me or your ass is outa here".
So the guy sits down at the piano, and for the next 5 minutes out comes the most amazing sounds the owner has ever heard-and heís heard everybody!! The guy finishes playing and the club owner is just flabbergasted. "My God, what was that?"he asks the man.
"Oh yeah", he answers. "Thatís one of mine. Itís called ĎIíve Got a Boil on my Ass and Itís Oozing Pusí ".
The club owner shudders, swallows heavily. "Okay, what else you got?"
And the guy starts playing a ballad. Just like the first tune, theyíre the most amazing sounds the owner has ever heard. Itís almost painfully beautiful. Heís crying by the time the guy finishes playing. "And what in the world was that?" he asks the man.
"Oh yeah", the man replies. "Another one of mine. Itís called 'I Have Hemorrhoids and Diahrrea and My Underwear is Filled with Blood and Shit'."
And once again the club owner shudders. This guy is hands-down the most incredible pianist heís ever heard, but at the same time the crudest individual heís ever met. Definitely a sensitive situation.
"Okay, hereís what", he tells the guy. "I can start you this Friday. But you donít say a word to nobody, got it? You just come in, play your sets and get off the stand."
So Friday rolls around, the guy is playing his first set, people are digging it immensely-as he really is an incredible player. He gets up at the end of his set, and a lady stops him.
"Excuse me, sir", she says, "but do you know your pants are ripped and your balls are showing?"
"Know it?!" he replies, "I fuckiní wrote it!"
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