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Sam's Wit & Wisdom


A Sam Profile (some of my favorite stuff)

Favorite actor: Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman

Favorite actress: Meryl Streep

Favorite director: Stanley Kubrick

Favorite comedic actor: Jack Lemmon

Favorite cartoon character (warner bros): Foghorn Leghorn

Favorite cartoon character (hanna barbera): Barney Rubble

Favorite cartoonist: B. Kliban

Favorite comedian: George Carlin

Favorite coffee: Tasterís Choice

Favorite bandname: "Teenage Jesus and the Jerks"

Favorite comedienne: Carol Burnett

Favorite cheese: Colby

Favorite artist: Breughel

Favorite city: New York City

Favorite "James Bond" movie: From Russia with Love

Favorite ice-cream flavor: Pralines and Cream

Favorite "Green Acres" character: Mr Kimball

Favorite coal: bituminous

Favorite offensive band names:

This is something Iíve been working on, adding to, deleting on occasion(once in awhile something is even offensive to me!)over the past few years, inspired initially by some of the names of the alternative bands listed in the Village Voice.
All these names are, to the best of my knowledge, original. The asterisk denotes a band I actually played in. Happy reading..

The Secretions

The Thought Police

Pussy Patrol

Guys Named Bill

The Bisexual Plumbers

Nick Leninís Bloc Party

Zen Dentistry

Trailer Court Lovechild

The Cumstains

Breast Worship

Prince Valium

Tractor Luv

Glumphular Gleeblox

The Laughing Academy

Da Nucular Guys

Pus Sandwich

Preppy Pricks

Wired for Discipline

Lemon Slime

Laid-back Lifestyle

Missing Body Parts

Frigid Digits

Bucket oí Brains

That Darn Cat

Musical Dystrophy*


A Dance of Ugliness

Cyst Boom Bah

Dilemma at Dinner

Uncouth Youth

Riff Raff

Space Cunt

Trail of Suds

Stoned Family Robinson

Breast Wishes

Humpy Buttslam

Phallus in Wonderland

Remo U-holo

Kinda young kinda wow

World Bean Tribe

High Colonic

4-star Genitals

Callous Sophisticates

Taras Vulva


The Secretions

The Thought Police

Stud Service

The Butt Factory

Liquid Queer

The Android Sisters

The Spineless Yes-men

Mal Jovi

Youth in Asia

Heat and Serve

Hertz Donut

The Flesh Tones

Shittiní Pretty

Heinous Anus

Spaz Attack

A Pleasant Sandwich

Skin Condition

Scary Larry

The Sniveling Wretches

Beef Injection

The Wastoids

Lesion of Doom

Table Snot

Kill or be Killed

The Sens-o-techs

Salesmen from Mars

Toilet Trouble

The Salty Seamen

Table Manners

Puke a-go-go

Rectal Relief

Wrong Hole!

Peggyís Yeast Infection

Yankety Sex

Bone-o-phone Choir

Scum Total


The Groove Council

Guns ní Cirrhosis

Sonic Debris

Spud Farm

Beige like Me

The Stiffies

Bongo Joe

Anglo Saxes

Fistful of Fun

Fat Chicks ní Cheese

Mexican Jumping Beings

Nervous Retards

The Impolite Ones

The In-Breeders

Shelf Life

Wacs and Wayne

Ď57 Gnash

Auntie Maim

Beevis ní Butt-Plug

Shoes for Queers



and finally,

my favorite musician joke!

A man walks into the Village Vanguard one afternoon, finds the club owner (whoís heard EVERYBODY) sitting at the bar, and walks right up to him.

"Iím the best fuckiní piano player you ever heard", he tells the club owner, "and Iím here for a job".

The owner resists the urge to just throw his ass out (or perhaps offer him employment washing dishes), figures Ďwhatíve I got to loseí."Okay pal, youíve got 5 minutes", he tells the guy. "Dazzle me or your ass is outa here".

So the guy sits down at the piano, and for the next 5 minutes out comes the most amazing sounds the owner has ever heard-and heís heard everybody!! The guy finishes playing and the club owner is just flabbergasted. "My God, what was that?"he asks the man.

"Oh yeah", he answers. "Thatís one of mine. Itís called ĎIíve Got a Boil on my Ass and Itís Oozing Pusí ".

The club owner shudders, swallows heavily. "Okay, what else you got?"

And the guy starts playing a ballad. Just like the first tune, theyíre the most amazing sounds the owner has ever heard. Itís almost painfully beautiful. Heís crying by the time the guy finishes playing. "And what in the world was that?" he asks the man.

"Oh yeah", the man replies. "Another one of mine. Itís called 'I Have Hemorrhoids and Diahrrea and My Underwear is Filled with Blood and Shit'."

And once again the club owner shudders. This guy is hands-down the most incredible pianist heís ever heard, but at the same time the crudest individual heís ever met. Definitely a sensitive situation.

"Okay, hereís what", he tells the guy. "I can start you this Friday. But you donít say a word to nobody, got it? You just come in, play your sets and get off the stand."

So Friday rolls around, the guy is playing his first set, people are digging it immensely-as he really is an incredible player. He gets up at the end of his set, and a lady stops him.

"Excuse me, sir", she says, "but do you know your pants are ripped and your balls are showing?"

"Know it?!" he replies, "I fuckiní wrote it!"

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