Sam's Wit & Wisdom
A Sam Profile (some of my favorite stuff)
Favorite actor: Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman
Favorite actress: Meryl Streep
Favorite director: Stanley Kubrick
Favorite comedic actor: Jack Lemmon
Favorite cartoon character (warner bros): Foghorn Leghorn
Favorite cartoon character (hanna barbera): Barney Rubble
Favorite cartoonist: B. Kliban
Favorite comedian: George Carlin
Favorite coffee: Taster’s Choice
Favorite bandname: "Teenage Jesus and the Jerks"
Favorite comedienne: Carol Burnett
Favorite cheese: Colby
Favorite artist: Breughel
Favorite city: New York City
Favorite "James Bond" movie: From Russia with Love
Favorite ice-cream flavor: Pralines and Cream
Favorite "Green Acres" character: Mr Kimball
Favorite coal: bituminous
Favorite offensive band names:
This is something I’ve been working on, adding to, deleting on occasion(once in awhile something is even offensive to me!)over the past few years, inspired initially by some of the names of the alternative bands listed in the Village Voice.
All these names are, to the best of my knowledge, original. The asterisk denotes a band I actually played in. Happy reading..
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The Secretions The Thought Police Pussy Patrol Guys Named Bill The Bisexual Plumbers Nick Lenin’s Bloc Party Zen Dentistry Trailer Court Lovechild The Cumstains Breast Worship Prince Valium Tractor Luv Glumphular Gleeblox The Laughing Academy Da Nucular Guys Pus Sandwich Preppy Pricks Wired for Discipline Lemon Slime Laid-back Lifestyle Missing Body Parts Frigid Digits Bucket o’ Brains That Darn Cat Musical Dystrophy* Frazzle A Dance of Ugliness Cyst Boom Bah Dilemma at Dinner Uncouth Youth Riff Raff Space Cunt Trail of Suds Stoned Family Robinson |
Breast Wishes Humpy Buttslam Phallus in Wonderland Remo U-holo Kinda young kinda wow World Bean Tribe High Colonic 4-star Genitals Callous Sophisticates Taras Vulva Shrapnel The Secretions The Thought Police Stud Service The Butt Factory Liquid Queer The Android Sisters The Spineless Yes-men Mal Jovi Youth in Asia Heat and Serve Hertz Donut The Flesh Tones Shittin’ Pretty Heinous Anus Spaz Attack A Pleasant Sandwich Skin Condition Scary Larry The Sniveling Wretches Beef Injection The Wastoids Lesion of Doom Table Snot |
Kill or be Killed The Sens-o-techs Salesmen from Mars Toilet Trouble The Salty Seamen Table Manners Puke a-go-go Rectal Relief Wrong Hole! Peggy’s Yeast Infection Yankety Sex Bone-o-phone Choir Scum Total Fiber The Groove Council Guns n’ Cirrhosis Sonic Debris Spud Farm Beige like Me The Stiffies Bongo Joe Anglo Saxes Fistful of Fun Fat Chicks n’ Cheese Mexican Jumping Beings Nervous Retards The Impolite Ones The In-Breeders Shelf Life Wacs and Wayne ‘57 Gnash Auntie Maim Beevis n’ Butt-Plug Shoes for Queers |
and finally,
my favorite musician joke!
A man walks into the Village Vanguard one afternoon, finds the club owner (who’s heard EVERYBODY) sitting at the bar, and walks right up to him.
"I’m the best fuckin’ piano player you ever heard", he tells the club owner, "and I’m here for a job".
The owner resists the urge to just throw his ass out (or perhaps offer him employment washing dishes), figures ‘what’ve I got to lose’."Okay pal, you’ve got 5 minutes", he tells the guy. "Dazzle me or your ass is outa here".
So the guy sits down at the piano, and for the next 5 minutes out comes the most amazing sounds the owner has ever heard-and he’s heard everybody!! The guy finishes playing and the club owner is just flabbergasted. "My God, what was that?"he asks the man.
"Oh yeah", he answers. "That’s one of mine. It’s called ‘I’ve Got a Boil on my Ass and It’s Oozing Pus’ ".
The club owner shudders, swallows heavily. "Okay, what else you got?"
And the guy starts playing a ballad. Just like the first tune, they’re the most amazing sounds the owner has ever heard. It’s almost painfully beautiful. He’s crying by the time the guy finishes playing. "And what in the world was that?" he asks the man.
"Oh yeah", the man replies. "Another one of mine. It’s called 'I Have Hemorrhoids and Diahrrea and My Underwear is Filled with Blood and Shit'."
And once again the club owner shudders. This guy is hands-down the most incredible pianist he’s ever heard, but at the same time the crudest individual he’s ever met. Definitely a sensitive situation.
"Okay, here’s what", he tells the guy. "I can start you this Friday. But you don’t say a word to nobody, got it? You just come in, play your sets and get off the stand."
So Friday rolls around, the guy is playing his first set, people are digging it immensely-as he really is an incredible player. He gets up at the end of his set, and a lady stops him.
"Excuse me, sir", she says, "but do you know your pants are ripped and your balls are showing?"
"Know it?!" he replies, "I fuckin’ wrote it!"
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